Raw Top Five 8/17/2015: The Road to Stupor Slam

Posted in The Three Count by - August 21, 2015

Hello friends. My name is Marc Hall. You may know me from such sites as Kultureshocked.com, and I will be your new commentator for Monday Night Raw. What better week to debut than the go home Raw for the second biggest show of the year, SummerSlam. With WWE only fighting for ten of your hard earned dollars opposed to sixty, has the urgency left the “go home” show, or does Summer Slam warrant special treatment from WWE?

Dolph Ziggler *yawn… Returns

Surprising absolutely nobody, Dolph Ziggler returned to WWE programming after being sidelined thanks to Rusev and a wayward crutch. Further hampered by Lana’s awkward glances around Rusev towards the entrance Ramp, Ziggler’s return felt more like a high school rendition of Peter Pan than a skit produced by a multi million dollar company. The icing on the cake would come via a poorly placed super kick, with the proverbial cherry being provided by Ziggler’s promo delivered after the in ring event.

Nikki Bella vs Sasha Banks vs The Audience.

The #divasrevolution returns to Raw as Sasha Banks and Nikki Bella attempt, yet again, to sell us on the idea that the NXT influx will change the momentum of the Women’s division. The road to redemption for these hard working women came to a screeching halt thanks, in part, to a slow paced, formulaic match, and a disrespectful audience. “We Want Lesnar!” chants rang throughout the match as Banks tried in vein to establish herself as a threat and a true talent on the roster. Banks could have stood up, walked out of the ring, thrown up her hands and stormed back to the locker room,and none of us would have blamed her.

The Opening Match

Its official. At least for the foreseeable future: Kevin Owens is just another guy. After hitting the Cena brick wall, there was a question as to whether or not Owens was destined for the championship picture. Then Randy Orton called him a lard ass, and the writing was on the wall. Owens is dead in the water. Cesaro, on the other hand, continues to enjoy the rocket to the moon as he shows once again that he is one of, if not the best performer on the roster in this match of the night.

John Cena returns to WWE

Complete with a hideous new shirt, new lead banner, and a brand new nose, John Cena returns to a very hostile and rowdy crowd. From the onset, its quite clear that Cena’s injury did little to appease the Cena nay sayers. Cena’s promo does win the crowd over with a decent amount of passion and actually gets the crowd on his side, that is until the end, where he brags about burying HHH, and shouts in the microphone like Lou Ferrigno. Also of note is John Cena claiming he designs his own merchandise. Reality Era at its finest, folks.

The Deadman returns

To close the show and send us to Summer Slam, Brock Lesnar is given the opportunity to address his home town crowd and quite the fans clamoring during the Diva’s match for his return. He was quite over with the crowd, and Paul Heyman was giving a very “Paul Heyman” type promo. Things were going very well for Lesnar, until Undertaker showed up and kicked him in the dick again. That’s right. We are sent to Summerslam with the most legendary and respected fighter in WWE resorting to kicking someone in the pecker. Maybe Undertaker will match Lesnar’s sixteen suplexes with sixteen strikes to the groin. Only time will tell.

In all truth, Summerslam is being hyped with a very strong card and not at the hands of programs like Raw. Thankfully for WWE, they have booked what is promising to be a strong and memorable pay per view. As it is, if this was the event that decided whether I watched or passed, I couldn’t imagine being compelled to watch a four hour event based on this past Raw.

This post was written by
He is the senior editor at Kulture Shocked. A Nebraska boy born and raised, where he spends most of his time as a writer. When not tearing up Xbox Live, he spends most of his time divided between Magic: The Gathering and his fiancee.
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