So Hell in a Cell Looks Kinda Crappy

Posted in The Three Count by - October 22, 2015

Around the offices here at 069 Kulture Shocked Tower, I tend to serve as the voice of reason… at least in terms of the state of professional wrestling. Be it around the water cooler or in front of the sprawling marble fountain in the office rotunda, I am typically am the only one to spread the praises of WWE.

Yet, as the wrestling year quickly comes to a close, its hard to continue pretending like everything is alright. Stone Cold, Ric Flair and HBK all made appearances on Monday Night Raw to sell Sunday’s Hell In a Cell pay per view, but even the Gods of WWE can excite me for what awaits me this weekend.

Presented below, save for the main event is a card stacked with rematches and Thursday Night SmackDown level contests. While Hell In a Cell has never been a marquee pay per view, The Cell itself is responsible for some of the most gruesome and intense matches in professional wrestling.

However, in the era of parental guidance, The Cell has become a diluted cage match, free from the high spots and danger of times past. While its clear the era of a man jumping 20 feet from on top of of a large dog kennel onto a table below is long past, this is no excuse for the modern booking decisions and the road that led us to this card.

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar (Hell in a Cell Match)

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt (Hell in a Cell Match) (Long boring build)

Seth Rollins vs. Demon Kane for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match (Who Cares)

Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella for the WWE Divas Championship (Rematch)

The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz for the WWE Tag Team Championship (Rematch)

Kevin Owens vs. Ryback (Rematch)

John Cena U.S. Open Challenge (…)

Dolph Ziggler, Cesaro & Neville vs. Sheamus, Rusev & King Barrett (Rematch from Raw)

That is your card leading into the holiday lull, a predictable, rematch heavy card clearly sold on the hype the main event is bringing. WWE is clearly riding on the hope that this is literally the last time we will ever see The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar fight in a WWE ring to sell this event, however, I’m not buying.

Perhaps most egregious is the fact that John Cena doesn’t even have an advertised opponent for his United States title. Couple that with the open secret that John Cena is leaving for an extended sabbatical, and you have a match that has all of the suspense of the final hand of a pinocle tournament. Given that WWE has acknowledged that Cena is leaving for personal reasons, a bean bag chair could answer the US Open Challenge and I’d still be convinced that Cena was losing the belt.

Are you satisfied with this telegraphed, lackluster event? Sound off in the comments below and keep an eye out for our Hell in a Cell predictions released this Sunday before the event.

This post was written by
He is the senior editor at Kulture Shocked. A Nebraska boy born and raised, where he spends most of his time as a writer. When not tearing up Xbox Live, he spends most of his time divided between Magic: The Gathering and his fiancee.
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