Monday Night Raw Roster Breakdown

Posted in The Three Count by - July 30, 2016

There’s no denying it. WWE Monday Night Raw won the WWE brand extension. This Monday’s show proved that WWE is serious about entering into a brand new era of their brand of sports entertainment… if for only one week. Where Smackdown Live failed in every conceivable way, Monday Night Raw shined brighter than it has in nearly a decade.

However, as too WWE changes, our coverage must change. While changes in life have delayed our relaunch, The Three Count is committed to offering the best post draft WWE coverage we can muster. However before we enter this New Era, I thought it would be fun to take a minute and get more acquainted with some of the more interesting additions to the roster that will be the focus of my coverage on the Three Count, The Flagship, the defining program of the WWE, Monday Night Raw!

Draft Pick #1: Seth Rollins

At first glance, not picking the WWE World Heavyweight Champion at first position may seem quite odd, consider the following: Stephanie McMahon has a great deal of history with Seth Rollins as the chosen one of The Authority. She also detests Dean Ambrose and his title reign. As Stephanie truly believes that Seth Rollins as the Architect can defeat Dean Ambrose at Battleground and bring the title back to Raw, giving her the best of both worlds. This is a pick for the future and a very smart and obvious first pick.

Draft Pick #3: WWE Women’s Champion, Charlotte

This pick makes a huge statement regarding the future of Women’s wrestling, and it’s placed on the WWE product. Charlotte has been a mainstay in the Women’s division for nearly a year and is likely to ascend to the legendary levels set by her father. This pick puts Smackdown Live, the locker room and the Universe at large that Women’s wrestling no longer serves as the “bathroom match.”

Draft Pick #5: Finn Balor

Chronologically, this was the point in the show where Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized just how truly fucked they were. Granted, their pics of WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Dean Ambrose, and AJ styles were strong, nothing compared to what can be easily considered the strongest performer currently in NXT.

Creatively, this is a very safe, no hassle way to introduce Balor to the main stage. Although some fans may feel cheated that he wasn’t brought up as part of some greater storyline, in retrospect, this is an effective way to introduce him to the fanbase at large. I expect that his rocket ship to Summer Slam is only the beginning for this hot up and comer. My dream match of Balor vs Jericho is looking like a real possibility.

Draft Pick #10: WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day

The first mid carder drafted and the second Champion picked up by the red brand, The New Day have gotten even the most silent of crowds out of their seats and garnered reactions more akin to an appearance by Stone Cold than three nerdy, irritating mid card wrestlers. The New Day will continue to be big money on Monday Night Raw and gives some credibility to the Raw Tag division.

It’s worth noting that SmackDown Live’s tag division is especially crappy, so much so to the point that not having the WWE Tag Team Championships on their show is probably a good thing. The one exception to that statement stands as NXT call-ups, American Alpha. Expect to see them crush Breezango week after week on Tuesday nights.

Draft Pick #15: Chris Jericho

Despite my intense, neurotic and sometimes erotic obsession with Chris Jericho, I think this is a fair place for him to find himself drafted. Initially, I would have preferred to see him taken in the top ten, however pressing down the likes of Banks, Lesnar, and Reigns. Given Jericho’s relatively high placement in the draft order, questions have been raised as to whether or not his spot was warranted, given WWE’s emphasis on new talent and fresh blood.

To that point, I offer that as a veteran, Jericho should be among the desired talent drafted first. Wrestling is a high impact and dangerous sport that demands a lot be given from your body, spirit, and soul. Many veterans understand the rigors of life as a professional wrestler, and as a 30-year veteran, Jericho offers much more to a roster than say, Enzo and Cass.

That, of course, is an opinion in the world of Kayfabe. Building stars are always the “right” answer. That being said, I’m a huge fan of seeing wrestlers enjoy one last memorable run with a title belt before they ride off into the sunset. Imagine what 10th Intercontinental Title run would look like and imagine the prestige that would be passed on to whoever was to unseat him.

Draft Pick #18: Enzo and Cass

As it would turn out, as confirmed on Monday Night Raw, Enzo and Cass also enjoy unprotected anal sex.

Draft Pick #20: Gallows and Anderson

I’d rather have the crackers…

Draft Pick #28: Cesaro

What makes his placement on the list so baffling is, of course, how late in the draft he was chosen. Whether this one done to set up a story line or was the result of Vince McMahon’s dislike of the Swiss Superman remains to be seen. What is apparent was the clear disgust in his voice as he delivered a scathing promo after being announced he was headed to the Flagship.

Consider for a moment that both The Big Show and “Awesome Kong” Nia Jax were drafted before him and you can see why he’d be just a bit on the side of thoroughly pissed. If you haven’t seen the promo, go watch it, it’s likely the closest Cesaro has come to calling an interviewer a “dumb bitch” on live television. It’s magic.

Draft Pick No 52: The Shining Stars

I’d like to think I’m a smart man. I’m certainly not a stupid man, nor am I a stupid idiot. However, I can’t figure out what exactly The Shining Stars are about. They were teased through a series of very homo-erotic vignettes that were more akin to a gay couple’s honeymoon video than a teaser for two new wrestlers.

Post debut, The Shining Stars revealed themselves as what I can only assume are mentally deranged travel agents. Referring to Puerto Rico as “The Shining Star of the Caribbean,” is fine and good, however, Primo and Epico take things a step forward and see everything as a “Shining Star. In their debut promo they refer to the audience, the WWE Ring and building as though they were in Puerto Rico, calling it a Shining Star. For good measure, they’re finisher is appropriately named, The Shining Star.

For reference, this is Puerto Rico.

 The Shining Star of The Caribbean

 The Shining Star of The Caribbean

This is a WWE Ring. Upon second glance it is an honest mistake.

Draft Pick No 56: Dana Brooke

Opting to take both Dana Brooke and her breasts as one pick as a wrestler and manager pairing, Monday Night Raw has ensured that at some point their top female star is going to be paralyzed in the ring. After nearly killing Bayley in her debut match at Battleground, it’s only matter of time before the reincarnation of Scott Steiner sends one of her own back to the locker room for good.

This post was written by

He is the senior editor at Kulture Shocked. A Nebraska boy born and raised, where he spends most of his time as a writer. When not tearing up Xbox Live, he spends most of his time divided between Magic: The Gathering and his fiancee.

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