Stream Police: Long as Hell Edition

Posted in The Screening Room by - January 21, 2015

It’s January. The holidays are behind us, but the weather still sucks. What are you supposed to do with your time? Talk to people? Have actual life experiences? Hell no. So we’ve assembled a list of some of some ridiculously long movies to eat up your time until the new season of House of Cards drops next month.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire (146 mins)

The shortest entry on the list, the second installment in the Hunger Games trilogy is strictly for people who liked the first one. It’s longer, slower and less interesting than it’s predecessor. Honestly, you’re better off tracking down a copy of Battle Royale, but series die-hards and JLaw obsessives will enjoy this one.

Good for fans of: The Hunger Games, the book, (clothed) Jennifer Lawrence. child murder

Rating: 7/10 dead kids

Pulp Fiction (168 mins)

If you haven’t seen Pulp Fiction, the door is right behind you. You can show yourself out. Not only is Pulp Fiction Quentin Tarantino’s chef-d’ouevre, but one of the best and most influential films of the last quarter century. Everybody and their mother has seen this movie, but its fractured narrative both demands and rewards repeat viewing. Grab a couple Big Kahuna burgers and enjoy it all over again.

Good for fans of: Fractured narratives, Tarantino, Jheri curls, assertive wallets, The UCSC Banana Slugs

Rating: Fox Force Five out of Five

The Wolf of Wall Street (180 mins)

It’s Goodfellas with fewer guns and way more drugs. Everyone in the movie is a terrible person and somehow it remains captivating (albeit a bit overlong). At times it feels like Scorsese is doing his best impression of himself, but the strength of Leonardo DiCaprio’s performance is enough to carry the film.

Good for fans of: Scorsese, Goodfellas, expletives, uppers, downers, Bernie Madoff

Rating: Bullish

Zodiac (162 mins)

These days, it seems everybody is saying, “Hey, I want a movie with journalism and Jake Gyllenhaal, but Nightcrawler was too fast/exciting for my old-man sensibilities!” Well, I have a treat for you, Dr. Valium. This movie is slower than season two of The Wire. Only David Fincher could get away with such an absolutely glacial pace. The final product will reward your patience, just prepare accordingly. 

Good for fans of: Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brother, codes and ciphers, unsolved mysteries, the show Unsolved Mysteries



Also, Joe from Guess Who is definitely the Zodiac.

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